Controlling behavior often creeps into a relationship very gradually – by the time you notice, it’s often too late. A controlling partner isn’t something to take lightly. Emotional abuse can turn physical if ignored. Being in a controlling relationship can leave you with low self-worth. In extreme cases, you could have long-lasting trauma.
Spotting the early warning signs could save you from months of abuse and heartache. Read this article to learn more about this form of abuse and how to spot the signs.
What Is a Controlling Relationship: How Is It Different From Others?
When you think of a controlling partner, you might think of someone who openly screams at their partner. But it’s not normally the case. Control can happen without the person even realizing it as it happens so gradually.
A controlling relationship is a form of psychological abuse where one partner tries to dominate the other’s thoughts and behavior. There’s normally an imbalance of power, and they will use manipulation and coercion to completely dominate their partner. This type of abuse occurs most in a romantic relationship.
Control occurs in toxic relationships as a way to control and monitor a partner. Over time, this can change from constant criticism to physical violence.
Learning the Difference Between Jealousy and Control
Jealousy is a natural emotion in a healthy relationship. However, control is a reaction to extreme jealousy and is the systematic attempt to dominate somebody. Jealousy will lead to occasional arguments, but that’s as far as it goes. With control, there’s consistent monitoring and criticism.
Jealousy stems from insecurity. Control is all about power.
Jealousy also depends on the situation and is a temporary feeling, whereas control is pervasive and persistent. They behave in a way that undermines their partner’s independence and autonomy.
Understanding the key differences between both will help you to identify and address the root causes of these issues. You need to be able to recognize when jealousy crosses the line into control. The latter is a red flag that you’re in an abusive relationship.
7 Signs of a Controlling Relationship
Recognizing the signs of a controlling relationship can be the very first step toward breaking free. Here are some of the common behaviors you need to look out for.
1. Isolation
Your partner cuts you off from family and friends. They want to be your only support source to have more influence over your life. Isolating you makes it harder for you to get help or realize what’s happening.
2. Criticism
They will constantly belittle you and make you feel worthless. They might pick apart your appearance or accomplishments. The goal is to ruin your self-esteem over time so you rely on their approval to feel good.
3. Checking Your Activities
Controlling partners always need to know where you are and who you’re with at all times. They will check your phone and social media all the time. Invading your privacy helps them to maintain control over you.
4. Gaslighting
Gaslighting causes you to doubt your reality and question your sanity and beliefs. It involves denying facts and lying, as well as distorting the truth so you feel confused.
5. Controlling Finances
Controlling and abusive partners will limit your access to money or control your finances. They might give you an allowance and monitor your spending. They may even deny that they have access to your bank accounts. All of these efforts make it far harder for you to leave them.
6. Physical Abuse
They may start by threatening and intimidating you, which will eventually lead to physical violence. An abusive partner will likely apologize and then hurt you over and over again.
7. Emotional Manipulation
They use guilt or fear to control you. It might be emotional outbursts or the silent treatment. They may use your vulnerabilities against you to manipulate how you respond to them.
Early Signs of a Controlling Man
Both genders can be controlling. However, men often exhibit unique behaviors compared to women. Here are the early signs of a controlling man that you need to look out for.
- Excessive jealousy – He gets upset with you over trivial interactions with others. This escalates to accusations of cheating or demands you limit your friendships. He might also accuse you of using affair apps or cheating.
- Rushes the relationship – He moves far too fast. He’ll declare his love far too soon and will ask to move in quickly. You’ll discuss future plans like marriage very early on.
- Sets unrealistic expectations – He expects you to meet all his needs including emotional support. You constantly need to validate him.
- Tries to isolate you – He’ll keep you away from your support system. Watch out for him speaking poorly of your friends or family. He may even try to cause fights between you and your support to make it easier to control you.
- Shifts the blame – Nothing is ever his fault. Blame will always fall on you. If he does something wrong, then it’s your problem. For example, you caught him on Ashley Madison, but he claims you drove him to cheat.
Early Signs of a Controlling Woman
Women often use different methods to enact control, which can be equally damaging. Early warning signs to watch out for include:
- Over-checking: She wants to constantly check your phone and messages. She invades your privacy by monitoring you – even when you don’t realize it.
- Possessiveness: She only wants you all to herself and likes to exclude others. She may try to isolate you from friends and family.
- Emotional blackmail: She uses guilt to get her own way. She’ll make you feel solely responsible for her happiness and well-being. If you do something she doesn’t like, she’ll become overly emotional and lay her problems on you.
- Manipulative behavior: She twists every situation to her advantage. This involves exaggerating and lying. She may only present some of the information to control the narrative.
- Constant criticism: She’ll belittle your achievements and decisions. This is to break down your self-esteem so you feel dependent on her approval.
How To Spot a Controlling Partner
If you want to spot whether you have a controlling partner, you need to pay attention to their actions. Then, think about how it makes you feel. If you constantly feel unhappy or afraid about what they might do, you’re likely being controlled.
Here are some key things to look out for if you’re feeling controlled in your relationship.
1. Feeling Afraid
You feel scared to open up and express how you feel. All the decisions you make leave you with a sense of dread, as you’re worried about your partner’s reaction. This fear often stems from their unpredictable reactions or aggressive behavior.
2. Walking on Eggshells
Like all domestic abuse situations, you’re terrified of upsetting them. You become hypervigilant and anxious whenever you’re around them.
3. Losing Independence
You don’t feel as capable when it comes to making your own choices. You find yourself second-guessing everything you do. You might even feel that you need to constantly consult your partners when it comes to decisions.
4. Lower Self-Esteem
Your confidence and self-worth are far worse than before you got together. This often happens gradually when critiques and control start wearing you down. You might rely on them for approval and compliments.
5. Physical Stress Symptoms
Stress can manifest into physical symptoms. If you constantly have a headache, stomach pain, or you can’t sleep, your relationship is taking its toll on you.
When To Leave a Controlling Relationship
Leaving a controlling relationship can be one of the toughest things you ever do. But it’s worth it for your long-term health and happiness. There might not be physical abuse right now, but it’s often the next step.
As soon as you experience physical violence, you need to protect yourself and leave immediately. Your life could be in danger. Similarly, if you feel despair and hopelessness, your mental health will suffer permanently unless you leave.
If control behaviors are worsening, for instance they’re isolating you from family, you also should leave immediately. They’re trying to make it harder for you to escape.
Finally, if you genuinely fear for your safety, then you’re most likely in imminent danger. Call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for fast help and advice.
How To Get Out of a Controlling Relationship Safely
When you’re in a controlling relationship, you need to plan how you leave so you can stay safe. If you leave with no protection in place, you could put yourself in serious danger. Here are the steps you should take to get ready to leave your abusive partner.
- Reach out to friends and family: Contact people you trust, like your friends and family. They can provide emotional support and help you get out of the household.
- Document everything: Keep records of all the abusive behavior and incidents as they happen. All of these documents will be crucial for legal proceedings and protective orders later.
- Secure your finances: Make sure you have access to all your money and important documents like a passport. You might need to open a separate bank account and set money aside for emergency funds. You must keep this a secret from your partner.
- Create a safety plan: Plan your exit strategy. You need to figure out where you’re going to go after you leave. Think of safe locations, like a friend or family member’s house. If you don’t feel safe there, opt for a shelter.
- Seek help: You don’t have to go through this alone. Try contacting a therapist or a domestic abuse hotline if you’re in danger. They can provide some guidance and resources to help you stay safe.
How To Rebuild Your Life After a Controlling Relationship
After a controlling relationship, you’ll likely feel lost and confused. You might not know what to do with your newfound freedom. Or, you’re still suffering from psychological scars. No one expects you to just get on with it. There are plenty of steps you can take to start rebuilding your life.
Here are just a few ideas to help you start thriving and living life to the fullest.
Seek Therapy
Seeking therapy is a crucial step toward healing. A qualified therapist will help you address your trauma. You’ll be able to discuss instances of abuse and explore your feelings. It will also help you identify patterns of behavior that you can avoid in the future.
Therapy is also a fantastic way to develop healthy coping mechanisms. Strategies might include mindfulness and relaxation exercises. Your therapist will be able to help you find the best method for you.
Think of therapy as a way to help you heal faster from trauma. They will use methods like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help you cope.
Go to Support Groups
Joining support groups can provide you with immense comfort and validation from people who have gone through the same thing. It lets you share your experiences in a supportive environment from those who can directly understand you. Listening to others will also help you to heal.
Members of support groups also share advice for navigating life after going through an abusive relationship. They can help you navigate legal issues and rediscover your financial independence. If you’re still in a controlling relationship, they can also help you create an exit plan.
Reestablish Your Independence
Finding your independence again can feel strange. You’re accustomed to depending on someone else. Part of becoming independent is finding a job to help you become financially secure. You might need to update your resume and check out job training.
Depending on your situation, you might also need to find a secure place to live. This might involve staying with your friends and family while you get on your feet. They can also be a strong support network as you find yourself again.
Eventually, you might be ready to start dating again. Don’t rush this process. When you’re ready, try out dating apps for serious relationships and not hookups.
Practice Self-Care
Self-care comes in many forms, including physical, mental, and emotional. After a traumatic relationship, it’s important to take care of yourself. Here are some ways you can do so:
- Physical self-care: Engage in exercise. Eat nutritious food and get plenty of sleep. These habits will help to improve your overall well-being, not just physical.
- Mental self-care: Practice mindfulness. You can do this with meditation or relaxation techniques to reduce your stress levels. Reading and journaling are creative ways to relax your brain.
- Emotional self-care: Allow yourself to feel your emotions as they come. Never bury feelings as this can lead to unhealthy stress. Talk to your friends or write in a journal to get it out of your system. If you’d rather keep your problems private, try therapy.
- Social self-care: Spend time with supportive people who have your best interests at heart. Building up stronger social connections will help you feel supported as you recover.
Set Boundaries
Learning to set strong and healthy boundaries will prevent any future control or coercion. As you eventually move on and into a new relationship, it will help you feel far more secure.
Make sure you understand your limits and reflect on what you’re comfortable with. Never let someone overstep the mark, even if it’s just once.
Try to write down your new boundaries and keep them in mind as you begin to date. If you feel something is off, then move on to the next one!
FAQs
What is a controlling relationship?
A controlling relationship involves a partner who dominates you with manipulation, coercion, and abuse. This domination affects every aspect of your life. You will feel like you’ve lost your independence and your self-esteem is crashing.
How can I tell if I have a controlling partner?
If you’re feeling isolated or facing constant criticism, you may have a controlling partner. Look for other things like gaslighting, financial control, and physical abuse. Trust your instincts and pay attention to how the relationship makes you feel. Most importantly, if you feel unsafe, get out fast.
Can a controlling relationship ever get better?
It’s very rare for a controlling relationship to improve. If you want to work on it, you’ll need professional intervention. Both of you need to be willing to change. If controlling behavior keeps escalating even more, you need to leave immediately.
What Is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation. The abuser makes the victim doubt their reality and sanity. They will deny the facts and lie so they can distort the truth.
All this makes the victim feel confused and even disorientated. Controlling partners will use gaslighting to coerce their victims to do what they want.
How does financial control look?
If you’re being controlled financially, your abuser will likely restrict your access to money. They will control your spending or even sabotage your job to keep you financially dependent on them. They might even have access to your bank accounts, with or without your knowledge and permission.
They may track your bank account statements to see where you’ve been and how you spend your money. This is a way for them to accuse you of infidelity or cheating.
Break the Cycle of a Controlling Relationship Today
Recognizing controlling behavior is the first step to breaking free from an abusive cycle. Find support and take action as soon as possible to regain your independence. Remember that healthy relationships depend on mutual respect and trust, not control and fear. If you or someone you know is struggling with controlling abuse, help is always available.
And if you’re worried about getting out of a controlling relationship and dating after divorce, don’t panic! It’s better to leave your toxic relationship behind.
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