Many people believe that pain and sex are two unrelated topics. After all, sex is all about having fun and pleasurable activities, so pain has nothing to do with it, right? The truth is that pain and pleasure can sometimes overlap sexually – and that’s where the pain kink comes in.
If you’re unfamiliar with BDSM, hearing about someone being slapped or tied up during sex may sound frightening. Yet, it empowers many people when they participate in it.
This article will answer all your questions about pain kinks including what it involves, why people do it, and the different types you can explore.
What Is a Pain Kink? – Pain and Sex Can Go Together Like Sweet and Salty
Some people prefer a romantic dinner, chocolates, flowers, and a passionate night of lovemaking. Others want to be a little more… daring.
They could indulge in spanking, choking, using hot wax, various sex devices, or BDSM.
Sadism and Masochism are the parts of BDSM that deal with pain. Sadists are those who love dishing the pain. The ones who love receiving pain are masochists.
Sometimes, people seek painful sensations to enhance their sexual pleasure and desire. This could be a part of their BDSM practice or as a one-time kink to spice up their sex lives.
Sex shouldn’t be unpleasant unless someone enjoys painful sensations with intent. Always consult a doctor if you’re experiencing unwanted pain or discomfort during intercourse.
Unmasking the Pleasure Behind the Pain: 3 Reasons People Have a Pain Kink
People can have a pain kink for many different reasons. If you’re new to the kink, this may be confusing. So, let’s take a look at it in more detail.
Escapism: The Cathartic Qualities of Exploring the Pain Kink
The main reason for people’s pain kink is escapism.
Experiencing pain keeps you focused on the present moment instead of thinking about other things. When people with a pain kink feel burdened by their responsibilities, their sexual activity helps them forget their worries and struggles.
Fantasies about brutal sexual play, like rape play and kidnapping, are very common. Some people opt to turn their fantasies into reality.
No Pain, No Gain: The Fascinating Connection Between Pain, Pleasure and Your Mind
How can suffering be so enjoyable that so many people want a taste of it?
After all, pain serves as a warning system to signal the risk of a physical threat. For example, getting burned or scalded are physical pains that discourage us from stepping into a fire and getting burned to a crisp.
The truth is that pain and pleasure stimulate the same neural mechanisms in the brain. Pain and pleasure both activate the brain regions involved in the brain’s reward system. These regulate behaviors like eating, drinking, and sex.
So, when you link pain with a pleasurable activity like sex, positive emotions can make the pain feel less than it is.
Think about how you feel when you eat a delicious meal with plenty of chili peppers or spices. Or the burn in your muscles when you try Zumba for the first time.
Or when you finish a HIIT—High-Intensity Interval Training—program. It’s painful, but it also makes you feel like you’re on top of the world (despite lying on the ground, begging for relief).
Increases Intimacy
Additionally, experiencing pain during sex or foreplay on purpose can bring you closer to your sexual partner. Giving consent, talking about sex and giving or receiving pain all increase intimacy between partners.
If you want to branch out from “vanilla” sex and explore other things, that’s fine. Just make sure you stay safe and only do things you enjoy and are comfortable doing.
Do I Have a Pain Kink?
Most people figure out if they have a pain kink by reading erotic novels or watching movies.
Maybe you had a conversation with your friends and/or lovers about rough sex play. Maybe they mentioned their partner slapped or spanked them. Your curiosity rose and you asked yourself, ‘Do I have a pain kink?’
Reflecting on your interests, desires, and intentions is the key to discovering the kinks that call to you.
Ask yourself if the prospect of getting or causing pain makes you feel anything. Unpack what interests you about pain, seek out the things that thrill you about it, and you’ll discover your answer.
Questions to Ask Before Exploring the Pain Kink
Non-kinksters might believe that a pain kink means violence, aggression, and savage-like behavior, but that’s far from the truth.
People who explore their pain kink sit down and talk about it.
This includes topics like consent, safe words, safe cues, sexual boundaries, limits, pain threshold, and even aftercare.
You can use the following questions to guide you through the pain kink with a partner:
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Where do you want me to hit you?
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On a scale of 1-10, how much pain can you take?
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What would you like me to hit you with?
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What are your thoughts on getting marked? If you’re interested, where would you like me to mark you and how?
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Are you prone to bruising?
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Do you have any medical issues that we should be aware of?
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Do you suffer from any allergies?
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Is this going to be sexual for you?
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What safe word would you use to signal your consent?
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If you’re unable to speak (if you’re gagged or feeling overwhelmed), what safe cues would you use?
Ways to Pleasure Someone With a Pain Kink (I Know, That Sounds Counterintuitive!)
Pleasuring someone with a pain kink depends on the type of pain they want to experience.
Some people might like some light spanking, while others want something more intense with paddles and whips.
There are a plethora of ways to put the pain kink into practice. Here are some ideas for inspiration:
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Biting
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Scratching your partner’s back, scalp, shoulders, or forearms
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Bondage, such as rope play or suspension using a St. Andrews Cross
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Slapping your partner’s face, thighs, breasts, buttocks or privates
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Flogging the other’s back, buttocks or the back of their thighs
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Spanking your partner’s buttocks, thighs or privates
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Punching with a closed fist
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Lightly kicking based on the partner’s pain threshold
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Whipping
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Caning
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Pulling your partner’s hair
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Spitting on your partner’s face or body
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Gagging with either ball gags or common items like ties or underwear
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Degrading and humiliating your partner
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Strangling your partner by choking them (Breath play or erotic asphyxiation)
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Cutting them with knives, blades or other sharp items
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Dripping candle wax on their skin (This is a type of temperature play)
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Using ice on their overheated skin (Another type of temperature play that can both hurt and arouse the participants)
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Using nipple clamps or cock rings for edge play (Edge play is when you stop yourself or your partner before reaching orgasm)
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Using common household items that work as sex toys. (Clothespins, nutcrackers, wooden cooking utensils, rulers, robe belts, neckties, etc.)
Of course, consent is key. The S&M community’s motto is SSC – Safe, Sane, and Consensual. Always play by this motto and you’ll enjoy exploring your kinks.
Aftercare Ideas for the Pain Kink – The Calm After the Storm
Most people don’t want to feel pushed aside after having sex. This is why aftercare lets everyone feel valued so they can feel good about the experience.
Aftercare, like foreplay, should always be a component of both vanilla and kinky sex. It also increases connection and vulnerability in your relationship.
Every couple’s aftercare is different, so ask your partner what they need. As a receiver, you must also communicate your own needs.
Just like the submissive has a ‘high’ during sex, they may also experience a ‘low’ afterward. This could make them feel depressed or anxious after sex or in the coming days.
This is why the dominant partner needs to provide aftercare to their submissive. This helps to balance the receiver’s body and mind.
It doesn’t matter what type of relationship you have, aftercare is very important. Especially when you’ve explored such an emotional sexual activity as the pain kink with your partner.
Aftercare does not have to be difficult. Handle it properly and you’ll make sex even more pleasurable in the long run.
Pain Kink Aftercare Ideas
Taking care of your partner after exploring the pain kink is crucial. Depending on how deep you go, it can be a pretty intense and draining experience.
So, here are some aftercare ideas that you can use after an intense bout of pleasure and pain.
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Cuddling together
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Giving the bottom (the receiver) a massage
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Offering them snacks, chocolate, water and juices
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Giving them a comfort object to hold (stuffed toys are not just for children)
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Bundling them up in a blanket
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Treating any bruises, sore limbs or rope burns given during the scene
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Preparing a hot bath and showering together/separately
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Giving them kisses (could lead to sweet lovemaking if you’re up for it)
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Offering them comforting and reassuring words
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Talking about your feelings and what you can do better next time (communication is important)
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Humming or singing
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Taking a short nap together (sex is pretty tiring, after all)
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Cleaning the mess created (includes wiping off bodily fluids, changing the bed sheet, and washing up afterward)
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Combing or brushing their hair
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Using an ice pack or heat compress
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Reading a book
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Drawing or coloring (this isn’t as juvenile as it sounds)
Pain Kink in Media – It’s More Mainstream Than You May Realize
With its undertones of taboo and naughtiness, the link between pain and sexual pleasure has captivated the imaginations of countless writers and artists.
One of the first known novels that included sexual flogging was Fanny Hill (1749). The erotic novel Story of O by Anne Desclos (Pauline Réage) generated a stir in France in 1954 with its explicit references to BDSM.
Almost a decade ago, E. L. James’s Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy fueled readers’ erotic fantasies. Many authors have written books about the pain kink.
Moreover, many pain kink books feature M/M romance as well as M/F pairings and even threesomes.
Songs like Rihanna’s “S&M” and Guns N’ Roses’ “Pretty Tied Up” are not only sensual but also depict sadomasochism. You can find examples of BDSM in movies like Dogs Don’t Wear Pants, Diary of a Sex Addict, and Ma Mère.
Exploring Your Pain Kink Online
Local dating sites and apps help you narrow down your choice of partners and lovers.
DoubleList is a dating site that allows you to post ads to find the type of partner you’re looking for.
So, if you’re into Dom/sub relationships, long-distance gay dating or just want to meet singles near you, you’re in luck! Sign up for a DoubleList account and explore all your fantasies and kinks with other like-minded people.
