Sponsored
When it comes to sex, sometimes if we feel like we shouldn’t do it, it makes us want it more. Mix great sex with a great emotional connection? Now you’re in love—and it’s a secret. Dating someone in the closet can be tricky (or even a minefield), but it’s not impossible. Here’s a list of do’s and don’ts to give you some perspective.
While you’re budgeting out the fantasy honeymoon in Bora Bora, weigh the pros and cons of going all-in on the relationship. Be realistic—the fact that you’re out and he’s not is going to cause a few problems. Secrets are hard to keep. Even being seen with you may be a threat to his identity as a heterosexual. We get how hot it is to be on the DL—it’s a service we happily provide. But do secrets stay hot forever? You may never meet his friends or family. You can’t even tag him on Instagram. If you ever needed to hide in the closet, you might feel like you’re revisiting the worst years of your life. Are you good with that? All relationships are a gamble, so think about what you’re willing to risk.
But the outlook for your new relationship isn’t necessarily grim. Honestly, in our experience, closeted boyfriends are typically new to gay culture. Newcomers tend to have excitement and enthusiasm. They may be less jaded, so despite being closeted, they may be more open to love. Whether you choose to be with someone in the closet or not, there’s no wrong answer. If you decide to go ahead and do it, it will take a lot of self-honesty, and probably tolerance and patience as well.
Trying to force someone to come out is pointless and stressful for both of you. Don’t bother setting a deadline. Don’t make him choose between you and his family, friends, or job. If you have strong judgments on whether someone should be out, why not date people who already are? You’re responsible for your well-being, and he’s responsible for his. What that looks like is different for each of you.
Think back to before you were out—whether you needed to be closeted or because you simply weren’t sure enough to say it out loud. Would you appreciate someone pushing you to openly identify as gay, or would you resent it? The loss of a job, abandonment by your family, and violence are risks we all faced in coming out, whether we knew it or not. Maybe love can move mountains, but you can’t give him back his relationship with his mom, custody of his children, his dream job, even his religious community, which may be very important to him. Of the two of you, only he can figure that out.
“Out” is not a black-and-white concept. People may be out with specific groups of people or in certain settings (for example, the leather bar). Making the choice to come out to anyone involves some kind of risk, and that can be scary. Each time he takes a step in the right direction, no matter how small, do give him support. If your boyfriend is not out with his family but decides to bring you along for family gatherings, do recognize his effort to include you in his life – even if you’re introduced as a ‘friend.’ Be patient with your boyfriend’s process. He’s doing something that freaks him out, that takes courage. It’s not easy for him. Do have faith that more progress will follow.
Your boyfriend probably doesn’t love you enough – that’s why he’s not out and shouting about your relationship, right? No. Believe it or not, he is still closeted for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you. Understand that his fear of coming out and being open about his dating status is about his journey, and not about how deeply he cares for you. You probably came out in your own time. Do give the same consideration to your boyfriend.
Everyone has the right to live their lives and present themselves to the world however they want. In the words of RuPaul, “We’re born naked, the rest is drag.”
If you want this to work, recognize that your relationship is valid whether people know about it or not. If you're together, you're together. If your relationship status on social media is what’s important to you, it’s probably less complicated to have a secretly fake boyfriend than a secretly gay one. No judgment for that, either! You do you.
The point is, let your boyfriend have the time he needs. He’s entitled to it. When he's ready to put on rainbow short shorts, he will. It’s not about you.
Don’t not bring up specific issues for fear of seeming pushy. Sooner or later, you'll explode. Let a resentment fester and it will always get bigger. You’re entitled to have concerns and issues around the situation, and you should communicate them. Speak up if something is bothering you and encourage your boyfriend to do the same. Do your best to make him feel heard and appreciated.
Yes, it could lead to an argument, some fights need to be had. Arguments—when you’re not yelling at each other—can help you both understand what the other needs in the relationship to feel loved and supported. That’s a good thing. So, if you haven’t laid everything out on the table yet, today is a good day to sit down with your boyfriend and hash it out.
You may need to set a boundary (good) because the secrecy is getting to you but that’s very different from trying to control another person (bad). If you need space from your relationship because it’s hurting you, say so—and then do it. What’s the difference? Instead of saying “do this by Friday or else,” you’re saying, “I respect you but I can’t accept this.” The first one puts you at odds with each other. The second might suck temporarily, but it doesn’t make anyone the bad guy. It will strengthen your relationship, which will feel a lot better. If it ends your relationship, it will also feel a lot better.
Take a personal inventory of your requirements in a long-term relationship. We all want a happy endings, but if you reach a point where the good outweighs the bad, maybe it's time to end it. We don't think doing something that makes you unhappy (i.e. staying in a relationship that only brings you drama), will lead to a happy ending. There’s nothing wrong with a graceful goodbye.
If the relationship works for you, awesome. Whether or not he’s closeted doesn’t have to matter to you. If it only works for you for a little while, that’s also awesome. We’re all for living in the moment. A great time doesn’t have to be a long time.