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Thrilling. Arousing. Intoxicating. Is that how you describe your relationship? It’s natural for emotional intimacy, domesticity, and parenting to cause desire to dwindle. In fact, it’s by far the norm. We’re biologically wired to be aroused by what’s new, unfamiliar, and unexpected. But as many couples will tell you, the spark is not as hard to get back as you might think.
We might sound like we’re contradicting ourselves. Sex therapists agree, however, that as much as you communicate your true desires to your partner, the temptation to constantly analyze, plead, and strategize should be avoided. Simply taking the lead and initiating a sexual fantasy is often exactly what your partner is hoping for. Obviously, if someone is breaking a boundary, turning you off, or causing you physical pain, you should always say so. But just consider not sharing this article with your partner. Instead, put it to work.
Save the frumpy t-shirt for the morning-after sex. Taking time to primp, whether you’re male or female, increases your sexual confidence and (maybe even more importantly) increases your sense of individuality and independence. Love requires connection, of course, but great sex often requires distance. The simple act of locking the bathroom door and fixing yourself up for half an our can go along way in creating that space.
Part of the excitement you experienced at the beginning of your relationship was related to the unpredictability of your love interest – you never knew when you were going to meet up, or what they were going to do for you. But as you build a life together, predictability creeps in. As functional as that is if you always know when something is going to happen, the thrill in your relationship inevitably subsides. You may have to schedule a date night—didn’t you always schedule your dates?—but leave a few details unknown. And like any couple in a honeymoon phase, be spontaneous. Here are a few ideas for you:
When was the last time you touched your partner without the intention of having sex? Has it been too long? Well, don’t underestimate the power of touch! You have to reintroduce touch into your relationship if you want to spice it up. You don’t want to touch your partner in a pleading, needy, please-can-we-have-sex way. It just doesn’t lead to good sex. Touch your partner like you did in the beginning, with confidence, hope, expectation, and a willingness to enjoy every kiss, hand on the knee, arm around the waist.
There’s definitely something you two haven’t tried. Not only does this demonstrate a strong desire for your partner (another key to great sex), it’s an act of vulnerability that brings back the romantic sense of uncertainty and longing you had in the beginning. That said, though, don’t expect all your fantasies to be a match. Be playful and gently push the boundaries of your relationship—don’t ever try to manipulate your partner into doing something they find uncomfortable. It will erode your relationship not just sexually, it will also erode your partner’s trust.
Interestingly, research shows that couples who sweat together often tend to stay together! Think about it – it does make sense. Not only are you both going to see each other's' bodies tone up and get sexier, but the physiological responses of exercise – racing pulse, shortness of breath, and sweaty palms – also mimic romantic attraction pretty closely. And besides, working out also boosts hormones that elevate mood, libido, and sexual functioning. So, if you both consistently hit the gym together, be prepared for lots more ‘cardio’ sessions back in the bedroom. The best way to sweat together? Dance. To paraphrase sex expert Esther Perel (who we love), even if you feel shy at first, it’s impossible to stay in your head when you’re dancing.
Have you been feeling bored and stifled in your hometown? Get out of there for the weekend. Even try getting a hotel room in your own town if you don’t have the time. When you experience a new environment, you'll start associating novelty and excitement with your partner – bringing you both together and making you more attracted to each other.
Whether it's putting a sexy note in your partner's pocket to read when they leave for work or sticking an encouraging one on the bathroom mirror before a client pitch, stay spontaneous by leaving your heartfelt messages for them to find as they go about their everyday business. As a society obsessed with technology and digital products, spending the extra time to put pen to paper will touch your partner and ignite the romance.
Do you often tune out while your partner talks about their hobbies – be it collecting cards, golf, or fishing? Well, don't – it's hurtful to both your partner and relationship. While you don't have to participate in your partner's hobbies, do attempt to gain a basic understanding. With this new-found knowledge, you’ll not only strengthen a connection, you’ll reestablish yourselves as totally separate human beings. You can talk about something other than the kids. Your partner isn’t the same person they were a week ago. Do you know what inspired them? What they enjoyed? What experience they might want you to try with them? Constantly talking about your work and family may give you necessary emotional support, but too much of it takes away from individuality and personal happiness.
Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Get out of the house. Go out with your friends. Take a class at a community college. Take a vacation apart. The less your partner feels like an extension of you, and the more in touch you are with yourself as an individual (not a parent, not an employee), the more you’ll want to have sex. It’s not just an idea, it’s how human beings are made. A legitimate excuse to sext each other is sure to bring the fire back in person.
