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Where and why will you get Arrested on Vacation?

Close your eyes. Wait—keep reading. Imagine yourself on a warm, sandy beach with crystal blue waters. Are you

Here on an "adult” cruise.

I’m not here on a cruise, but I am here to cruise.

Enjoying all the amenities my tax haven has to offer.

At an all-inclusive resort, a hat on my face, and the kids are probably fine.

At a luxury villa I rented on Airbnb with 5 of my friends.

Jimmy Buffet is

An icon, a role model, a legend.

A karaoke staple.

Not my thing, but I respect Margaritaville as a Global Cultural Treasure.

My paddleboard partner.

I’m a cool dad, and I listen to reggae.

Be honest with yourself. How likely are you to forget to buy duty-free liquor at the airport?

Very Likely

Somewhat Likely

I totally remember to buy it sometimes.

I always remember to buy duty-free liquor.

It has never occurred to me, but thanks for the tip.

My feelings about speedos are

Very judgmental and negative.

Supportive, if you know what I mean.

I hate clothes.

It depends on who is wearing them.

Not around my kids.

When I’m not at the beach

I’m snorkeling or swimming with dolphins.

It depends, but wherever I am, I am at a party.

Schmoozing at the bar.

I’m on the boat.

In my glass-bottomed bungalow, chatting with a mysterious local.

When I go on vacation I’m going where

There’s a great beach at a great price.

It doesn’t matter where it is as long as I know I’ll have a good time.

It literally feels like heaven, but the kind you buy your way into.

Everything is as convenient as possible.

I’m on a cruise. I love cruises. I talk about them for a little too long all the time.

I tend to take vacations

In the summer when the kids are out of school.

Usually on a long weekend or whenever a group of my friends all have time off.

Any weekend I want, not too far from home, on a regular basis.

At all times.

Every spring or fall, but ideally every spring and every fall.

Hotel breakfasts should always be

Delivered by canoe.

Free.

We can make it ourselves (50/50 odds that we actually will).

We don’t eat at the hotel because there’s so much in town.

An unlimited buffet.

The last time I stole something I was

A little kid. I stole a candy bar and my mom made me bring it back.

When I was a teenager. It was thrilling and they knew I did it.

In college, as a part of organized fraternity activity.

I am an active white-collar criminal.

I don’t steal, but I do take the words “unlimited” on a menu way too far.

If I die on vacation, it will be because

I let a friend launch a bottlerocket from my butt.

They finally caught me.

My vacation was so stressful it gave me a heart attack.

I was doing something too fun and awesome.

Of the buffet.

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