There’s no stopping the increasingly popular practice of polyamory. Polyamory is a delectably sinful treat; you can freely enjoy not just a single slice of cake, but slices of different cake flavors. It’s only natural to have a preference for certain flavors, and this is where polyamory hierarchy plays an important role in ensuring a harmonious relationship structure. When spreading love is your relationship goal, polyamory and hierarchy must go hand in hand.
For the Love of One vs Many
Are humans designed to be monogamous? Is polyamory wrong? There are plenty of convincing and solid arguments for both monogamy and polyamory. Both of these relationship preferences have the same requirements, however — love, communication, and trust. The bottom line for either monogamy or polyamory is still about what makes everyone involved happy.
Polyamory falls under the category of Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) or Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM), which includes all types of sexual or romantic relationships that involve more than two consenting people. The word “polyamory” is derived from the Greek “poly” and “amor,” which mean “many” and mean “love,” respectively.
Before dissecting the elements of polyamory hierarchy, let’s answer some common questions about this emotionally and sexually liberating practice.
Is Polyamory Healthy?
Polyamory is based on the belief that romantic love for more than one person and at the same time is possible. The feelings of love may vary in degree for each one in the polyamorous relationship and, therefore, determine polyamory hierarchy, but the differences are not an issue. Because polyamory requires the consent of everyone in the relationship, it can be as healthy as monogamy. As long as the polyamorous relationship satisfies the romantic and sexual needs of all the participants, then the relationship is a healthy one.
Is Polyamory Wrong?
Polyamory is not wrong in the ethical sense, at least not for those who practice it. Polyamory is not cheating as long as all the participants consent to it from the beginning and agree with the status quo, or the established hierarchy in the relationship. Honesty and trust are essential components of the relationship. Whatever your role within the hierarchical polyamory, you are happy to be a part of it.
How Does Polyamory Begin?
A polyamorous relationship may begin with a single person developing a strong belief that a single individual can’t fulfill all of their relationship needs. This person may seek a polyamorous relationship with other singles who are willing to consent to it, or with a couple who’s already in an open relationship.
Polyamory may also be initiated by one partner in a monogamous relationship, wherein said partner communicates their desire to explore consensual non-monogamy, or secondary relationships. It’s important that the couple engages in an honest conversation about one’s wish to introduce a secondary partner into the primary relationship, or to have multiple intimate romantic and/or sexual relationships, and for both partners to consent to the change to their relationship model before any further step is taken.
What Is Polyamory Hierarchy?
Polyamory hierarchy is the ranking of relationships/partnerships within the polycule to which all polycule members give their consent. This means that one or some relationships and/or certain partners rank higher in importance compared to other relationships/partners in the polycule.
Hierarchical Polyamory Rules
Relationship dynamics often vary from one polyamorous network of people — or what is referred to as a polycule — to the next. The polycule may establish one set of rules that apply to everybody, and different sets of rules for the various partnerships that exist within the whole. These rules determine polyamory hierarchy, which is typically made up of primary and secondary partners.
Hierarchical polyamory rules may include any of the following:
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One couple, typically the “original one” if they initiated the polycule, is considered the primary relationship and they prioritize each other and their relationship, while every other relationship in the polycule takes a backseat when it comes to decision-making. Married couples, legal partners, or cohabitating partners often become the primary relationship in a polyamory hierarchy.
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The other relationships in the polycule may be ranked secondary, tertiary, and so on.
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The primary couple may explore secondary relationships together or as individuals.
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The primary couple establishes rules for how they explore secondary relationships within the polycule.
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Constraints regarding time spent with secondary partners are established according to the hierarchy. A schedule may be set for everyone which determines when different partners spend time together for dates or for sexual activities. The schedule may also include the length and frequency of each date/sexual activity per partner.
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Rules and boundaries about sexual activities between different partners are decided and agreed to by everyone. These may include allowing or not allowing specific sexual activities, preferences for certain routines when transitioning from one partner to another, etc.
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The primary couple may have veto power over each other’s secondary relationship/s.
Take note that hierarchy in polyamory and the rules that define it are not permanent. The dynamics can change, physical and emotional needs and preferences may evolve over time, and the rules can be modified when the situation calls for it. The key element that remains constant is the consensus of everyone in the polycule.
Poly-Hierarchical Relationship Examples
Here are some poly-hierarchical relationship examples that demonstrate how relationship dynamics work when influenced by a hierarchy.
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The top of the hierarchy belongs to the partners who live with each other, are co-parents, share finances with each other, and/or are married.
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The primary partner is given the highest priority when it comes to time commitments, going on trips, celebrating holidays, and more.
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The primary partner is consulted when it comes to making major life decisions, such as changing careers, moving to a new home, making an investment, or buying a car.
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Rules for the primary relationship may include not having unprotected sex with others; not having children with secondary partners; and having the power to veto any secondary partner.
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A secondary partner may be invited to spend time with one or both of the primary partners during weekends or on vacations.
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Tertiary partners are the most casual partners and are given the least priority.
Keep in mind that whatever a person’s ranking is within the polyamory hierarchy, the love and meaningful bond they share with any partner in the polycule are a constant — although these may be more or less compared to what they share with the others.
Non-hierarchical Polyamory
In a non-hierarchical polyamory model, no member or relationship is prioritized over the others. Each relationship is unique to the individuals in it and there is no ranking system; every member of the polycule gets involved when making decisions for the whole. Non-hierarchical polyamory ensures that some individuals and partnerships don’t enjoy greater privilege and are not given a higher priority because the partners have been together longer or for any other reason.
At the same time, the non-existence of a hierarchy also does not mean that everyone gets equal treatment. All members of the polycule do have equal freedom to engage in multiple simultaneous relationships however they want. Rules may still be established to maintain some degree of harmony within the polycule, but these rules apply to everybody.
Non-hierarchical Polyamory as Relationship Anarchy
Non-hierarchical polyamory may also be identified as Relationship Anarchy (RA). The term is coined by Andy Nordgren, who also authored an instructional manifesto on relationship anarchy. In the manifesto’s introduction, Nordgren says that, “Relationship anarchy questions the idea that love is a limited resource that can only be real if restricted to a couple. You have the capacity to love more than one person, and one relationship and the love felt for that person does not diminish love felt for another. Don’t rank and compare people and relationships – cherish the individual and your connection to them. One person in your life does not need to be named primary for the relationship to be real. Each relationship is independent, and a relationship between autonomous individuals.”
In an article from The Cut, RA is also described as, “a relationship philosophy which draws its tenets from political anarchy, the main one being that all relationships (romantic and otherwise) shouldn’t be bound by any rules not agreed upon by the involved parties. What those relationships might look like may vary greatly from pair to pair, but there are several core values shared by most relationship anarchists: being non-hierarchical (i.e., they don’t rank their romantic partner[s] as necessarily more important than their friends); anti-prescriptionist (i.e., there are no built-in prescriptions about what a partnership must look like); and often, nonmonogamous.”
Exploring the Joys of Polyamory Hierarchy
One can argue that engaging in polyamory hierarchy could lead to a dangerous game of jealousy and emotional and sexual opportunism. Those who are genuinely invested in this relationship philosophy, however, are committed to practicing a higher level of communication, dedication, respect, and trust. Therefore, hierarchical polyamory can be considered a more evolved type of relationship structure as it requires true harmony among all its members.
If you and your partner want to explore the joys of polyamory, you can begin your quest online. Find a site that welcomes and encourages all types of sexual expression, a site like DoubleList personals.
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