When you don’t mean it when you say, “Stop,” and you act like you don’t like it but you really, really do and your partner is in on it, then you have a consensual non-consent (CNC) kink.
Is it wrong? Is it unhealthy? Does it stem from trauma? Do you need to seek help? How can you safely engage in CNC kink in the bedroom? Let’s explore what this kink means to those who enjoy it — without taking the fun out of it.
What Is a CNC Kink?
A CNC kink — or consensual non-consent kink — is a type of BDSM role play that involves consensual acts of being overpowered by/overpowering your partner. Often referred to as “rape play” or “rape fantasy kink,” CNC may simulate forced acts or other scenarios wherein the submissive has no say or control whatsoever, does not consent to nor enjoy the sexual acts, and/or is seemingly harmed.
One of the key elements of CNC kink is the mutual consent of both (or more) partners to pretend non-consensual acts before the actual role play begins. Everyone involved discusses and agrees to the scenario/s and the limits of their interactions — this is an absolute must before anything gets started.
The role play involves a “predator” or the dominant and a “victim” or the submissive. The sub must clearly communicate how they want to be “forced” or “attacked” and defines their limits; the dom must stick within these predefined boundaries. Conversely, the dom may indicate how they want the power struggle to be acted out, and the sub knows what to expect and agrees to it. A safe word is also pre-arranged and can be used at any time to indicate a sincere desire to end the role play.
Those who enjoy this kind of kink get aroused by the extreme power dynamic, i.e., one likes having total control over their partner during sex and the other likes being overpowered or having zero control over what is done to them. The role play is not always about a rape fantasy; it can also involve being spanked, slapped, tied up, degraded, or “forced” to do something.
What Causes a CNC Kink?
The common theme in all BDSM role plays, including a CNC kink or fantasy, is power play. Those in the BDSM community find power extremely sexy and arousing — whether they’re wielding it or they’re at the receiving end of it. When playing with CNC, having power or control over someone is the vital sexual stimulant; it’s the fuel that lights up the fire and keeps it burning. For some couples, CNC role play may be how they spice things up in the bedroom.
During CNC role play, the dominant may seem to wield total control, but the submissive also has some level of control (if not more). The sub can decide when to end the role play, at any time, by using the safe word; depending on the real-world relationship dynamics, the CNC sub may be the one who’s actually calling the shots and setting the rules and boundaries for the CNC scenario/s.
It is the sense of power over how things will play out that makes CNC kink thrilling and satisfying for those who engage in it. Conversely, some people may find being completely vulnerable, defenseless, and at the mercy of their partner exceptionally liberating and exciting.
Does CNC Kink Stem From Trauma?
Most practitioners of CNC kink have not experienced trauma, sexual or otherwise. CNC appeals to them because they enjoy the sexual power dynamics involved in the role play.
However, there are people who do use CNC or other BDSM activities as a coping mechanism for past trauma. Processing their trauma through BDSM can be effective and healthy, as they are given a means to exercise control and to create an experience that gives them joy and satisfaction. Remember that different people deal with trauma in different ways; and only the person who had gone through the experience can determine what strategy works for them — whether or not they also choose to get help from a professional.
CNC kink examples
Common CNC kink examples include being tied down while fighting back and/or being touched and penetrated while saying “No” and “Stop” and pretending that what the other person is doing to you is against your will. During CNC, person A performs acts that person B pretends not to like and enjoy, and despite person B’s desperate pleas for person A to stop.
Here are some other examples.
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CNC and spanking. You order your partner to do something and if they refuse, you punish them by spanking them with your hand, a tickler, or other kinky accessory.
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Forcing your partner to orgasm, or making them hold their orgasm until you give them your permission.
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Role playing. You take on the role of a person of authority and your partner is your subordinate. You and your partner act out scenes wherein you force them to perform sexual acts or they’ll lose their job or get demoted.
Rule Examples for CNC Role Play
A thread on Quora discussing CNC kink shared a sample framework for a particular CNC “game”:
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Safeword “red” immediately stops all activity.
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Safeword “yellow” necessitates a switch in activity, possibly subject to brief discussion.
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Dominant partner’s goal is to have PIV sex.
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Submissive partner’s goal is to meet the escape condition, to be decided on an environmental basis. For example: touch the doorknob.
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Either partner’s success condition will end the scene and a new one can be initiated with the same or modified conditions.
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Wear clothing that can be destroyed.
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No stiletto heels.
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No glasses or jewelry.
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No skin biting. Only deeper tissue biting is allowed.
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No face punching.
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No playing with piercings.
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No ropes on necks (softer material, such as a cotton shirt, is allowed).
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Discuss all weapons and restraints ahead of time (blades, gun facsimiles).
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No oral.
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Anal with pre-approved toys only.
CNC Kink Stories
Here are some CNC kink stories straight out of reddit’s r/BratLife community.
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The ironic thing is that every dominant man I’ve had interactions with is 10x more considerate, communicative, and actively interested in my wants and needs more than any vanilla guy I’ve been with.
The big appeal of CNC(and BDSM in general) for someone like me is I’m a very strong-willed, commanding person in my day to day life. People typically don’t stand up to or challenge me. Releasing that control to someone else entirely is a release – it’s a relief to have any choices removed from me (within a safe environment with someone I trust). – Posted by HistoricalAd970
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I’m a cnc noob that’s been desiring it for a long time. I’ve found a partner I’m willing to share it with finally and I’m sorry but it’s not about rape for me but a truer form of dominance/submission. Giving consent, talking through desires, boundaries and reasons why is the corned stone for me. I know this is an old thread but I found it because I wanted more information on how I put my partner more at ease with this kink.
It’s a big think to ask someone to look into your eyes while you’re telling them it’s too much. Knowing that it’s still a scene and they are safe to ignore your requests to stop, unless they hear your safeword. From a world that says no means no, to a world that says that no means absolutely squat and that even when screaming, fighting and crying might be happening, they are SAFE to ignore you. It requires a level of communication and trust that is hard to come by, from both sides and I think that’s a hugely important point. – Posted by Equal-Limit4615
Exploring Your Sexual Boundaries Through CNC
Complete trust, honest communication, and full consent are vital elements of CNC kink. Always follow the FRIES rule, which is one of three consent models followed by the BDSM community: consent must be Freely Given, Revokable, Informed, Enthusiastic/Explicit, and Specific.
For many CNC enthusiasts, a higher level of trust in their partner is an absolute requirement; others may have a more carefree attitude towards consensual non-consent. Whatever the case, as long as the rules and boundaries are clear and everyone involved consents to the CNC scenario, the experience can be one of the most intensely exciting and gratifying of your life.
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